I started with my pretty-much-complete song lyrics, typing each one out in a word document.  Then I moved to my still-missing-one-component (ie., I need one more verse, or a better chorus, or a bridge of some sort, but have the basic idea down) pieces.  Then I started getting symptoms of carpal tunnel and decided to stop.  I have more songs than I thought (about 50)!  I haven't even gotten to the scraps, which are sure to be more files to write than the completed things, although certainly shorter.  While I'm resting my wrists, I got to thinking about what I am supposed to do with these songs now.  Only a couple have any sheet music to go with them, and those are pretty much melody line only.  Some others have a melody attached, and a few of those I even recorded me singing the words and melody into either my cassette recorder or my digital recorder (which I plan to upload to the same folder).  I suppose I should record the other melodies I have swirling in my head before they fall out along with the lyric scraps.  But then what?  Once I have what I already have up on my computer, should I just go on writing new lyrics and improving the lyrics I now have digitally or should I start in earnest to complete some of these things with music and recordings?

It is the age-old question of whether to continue on with something you are good at and comfortable with or stretch and try something more difficult and potentially more rewarding.  Those who know me well will know that I am not much of a risk-taker, and I have previously confessed to wanting someone with musical talent to just magically appear and do all that stuff for me.  But perhaps it would not be so much to ask to start with melody recordings, then maybe picking out some chords, then maybe putting some of it together in GarageBand.  I have done some of this on some of the songs, so maybe it is just an increase in consistency; applying what I know to more songs, instead of trying something completely new.  I guess that wouldn't be so bad...except I don't know which songs to start with first.

I'll admit--some of the songs are just really not that great.  Warm-up exercises, if you will.  As I revisited them again, typing out the lines (and resisting my inclination to already start fixing things) I realized that I have definitely changed in my style of writing over the few short years I have been earnestly getting my thoughts down.  Should I work on them for the sake of practice, or really go for the ones I think are better (yeah, mostly the new stuff)?  What if they're not really as bad as I think they are, but they just need a little extra work?  What if I get sick of those ones that I think are better because I'm spending so much time and effort on them?  What if I just call everything poetry and just scrap the music idea altogether?!

Anyhow, enough thinking out loud; it's flaring up my carpal tunnel.  I know I have to take one thing at a time and just ask God to show me the rest.  I know deep down that none of these songs will go to waste, whether or not they are "completed", "recorded", or even "posted".  Overall, it's been fun to go through them again; remembering what was going on in my life when I wrote them, realizing that I have come a long way From the Rock (the title of the first full song I wrote).  I am excited to see where it will go next!

More Pics Below

"Amos Moses" was my favorite Jerry Reed song. My younger sister had the 45rpm record, and I didn't.  (But I knew all the words, and she didn't.)

Chet Atkins is a treasure, and Jerry Reed was a classic. There's more of J.R.'s Pickin' n' Grinnin' at RockHoppers. (Dan, you beat me to it!) God bless Jerry.

Here's Chet Atkins with Suzy Bogguss.

And here's Suzy Boggus with Chet Atkins.

Bill Melendez interview.  You've seen his stuff.  You've heard his stuff.  Seems kinda appropriate that there is no video.

Dogs can also be rather dogmatic, too. They don't go in for light social banter; instead, they go straight for home, discoursing on the topics that are most important to them. At these times the Dog's narrow-minded or stubborn side can become apparent; this Sign has trouble staying light and calm when an important issue is at stake. This Sign can also be very temperamental; mood swings characterize its emotional life and often the Dog needs to run off to be alone in order to recuperate. Part of the problem is the result of this Sign's load of irrational fears that turn into niggling anxieties that turn into hurt feelings and occasional grouchiness. This sensitive Sign needs to warm up to others over time and gradually learn to trust them. Without that trust as a foundation, Dogs can be judgmental and coarse.

The Dog's discerning nature does make it an excellent business person, one who can turn that picky, guarded nature into a keen sense of the truth of another's motives. Where love is concerned, Dogs often have a tough time finding the right match. Dogs need to work on controlling their irrational worries and would also be well-served to relax their mile-high standards, which can sometimes wind up alienating the ones they love.
The most compatible match for a Dog is the Tiger or the Horse.

Gamers can customize almost any feature of the game

Spore is one of the most eagerly awaited games in years and has both players and pundits watching its every move.

The game takes evolution as its broad theme and is the creation of famed developer Will Wright. Many believe it will change gaming just like his previous effort The Sims did.

Earlier this year the 100 millionth copy of The Sims was sold and it has been widely credited with improving the appeal of games to people who had never considered themselves players.

Mr Wright told he believed Spore will set the bar higher.

"Spore will change the way people look at games forever and change hopefully the perception people have of their own creativity."

The tool set in Spore gives players an unprecedented amount of creative control over the elements of the game - the creatures that populate it, the places they live, the clothes they wear and vehicles they drive.

"Will Wright and Spore are doing some things that are very unique and have the potential to shake up the way video games are created and even viewed by the public," said Brian Crecente, managing editor of online games magazine Kotaku.

'Creativity to the masses'

Early hints that Spore could live up to Mr Wright's expectations have been demonstrated by the number of species created for it with the free Creature Creator tool released in June.

Mr Wright's original target of 100,000 creations was history just 22 hours after the tool was launched. To date more than 2.6 million creatures have been created. Other similar tools will include a players' ability to create their own transport, clothes and music among others

Spore opens up so many new avenues of what a game is said producer Thomas Vu

"Getting people to make content and having that content show up in the game is completely new for the industry, especially on this scale," said Spore producer Thomas Vu.

"Spore is bringing creativity to the masses where you as a consumer watch something on TV and say I can do something better than that, I can make a better space ship than that and you go on Spore and you can make something very compelling and even better in terms of design and scope," he said.

Spore sets players the task of using sophisticated tools to help their creations evolve from the cellular phase through a tribal stage into civilised beings and eventually a star-faring race.

Mr Wright said he saw Spore as changing the nature of gaming.

Artificial Intelligence automatically works out how creations move.

"We see the players make and share content and we see the player as a co-developer," he said. "People are still getting used to the fact that they are creators as well as consumers and we see this in how people pick their own TV shows or their own music."

This collaboration is what will ensure Spore's success said industry watcher Dean Takahashi of VentureBeat.com.

"It's so easy to create a creature," he said. "You basically press a button and upload it to your YouTube account so everyone else can see your creature. No one else has made it that easy to do something in a game and show it off to your friends.

"That is really smart thinking on Electronic Arts' part and it shows they are really aware of all the changes that are happening around social networking and around games," he said. "This is a clever way to get games to take advantage of this big explosion in social networking."

Hit or miss

Electronic Arts and Maxis, the makers of Spore, will not say how much they spent developing the game although Mr Vu did admit that getting players to create much of the content could help balance the books, especially for future games.

At the heart of the game is the ability to design and share creations

"In the industry a lot of people are looking at this game because development costs are definitely going up.

"If you imagine making something like a really cool creature can take a developer two weeks to do from scratch, but this system means somebody can make something just as compelling in two hours," he said. "This will definitely cut costs."

Spore could also have a future beyond its gaming origins.

Said Mr Wright: "We think of Spore as a brand and not just a product." He added that EA and Maxis were considering launching it as a separate label or franchise.

Mr Takahashi from Venturebeat said the business brains had to really think through how they went about promoting such a franchise.

"EA has made it clear about making Spore a big franchise with a series of follow-ons. But they have to be careful they don't over saturate the market.

"They are going to have an iPhone version for example and a lot of this kind of diversion could make Spore into a much bigger hit or a flop."

Customizing options are to include transport, music, flora and clothing

Mr Crecente said if Spore lives up to the hype and sells as well as The Sims, it will be launched as its own platform.

"This means Spore will extend its reach and developers could buy the technology behind Spore and create their own games on that technology."

But before any of that can happen, Spore has to pass the ultimate test and prove itself as a game people want to pay for.

Mr Crecente said: "The problem for me is that no-one has had a chance to see the entire game. It's like four blind men describing a different part of an elephant.

"But with Will Wright you have to give him the benefit of the doubt and all indications are it will be big." 

1. FACTRIX - Artifact 2-CD (Storm Records, 2003) Just amazing forgotten band of art terrorists from crumbling/rotting late 70's San Francisco. Revisionist history has it that these guys were SF's answer to THROBBING GRISTLE - which is valid to a point, given the close ties they forged with Monte Cazazza. But that angle ignores the actual sonicstuff that made FACTRIX so compelling; they exhibit dozens of near-rock impulses every which way ya wanna turn. So it's not uncommon to find sound-poems built around minimal but insistent JOY DIVISION-like basslines, or mistake a couple songs for better DEAD C. material, or even hear a distinct HOT TUNA influence in the gtr/bass jams found on their one and only LP (included here in its entirety). Nor is it too far-fetched to compare Bond's beeline soloing to ROXY MUSIC's Phil Manzanera (Simon Reynolds did here). Bond even drops the occasional power chord into the fray - usually just one, but a power chord it still be - before bending/tearing at his strings in DNA-like fashion. It all lets you know these guys understood this rock thing - in ways Genesis and co. didn't ever - even if such interest was pretty peripheral at this point. Smarter punker types will no doubt recognize the overarching Quaalude vibe/sound exuded across these 2 CDs was of a band who must've played with THE SLEEPERS as often as they did at SURVIVAL RESEARCH LABORATORY showdowns. "Industrial" tags bedamned: this is my kinda act.

2. U.S. CHRISTMAS - Eat The Low Dogs CD (Neurot Records, 2008) You might think these guys sound like HAWKWIND playing CRAZYHORSE riffs and leave it at that. But me, I'm kinda speechless . . . since I'm still coming to terms with the fact that they've decided to drag the long-forgotten, tortured ghost of Arizona's Van Christian and his NAKED PREY into glistening, majestic, post-NEUROSIS territory. This is a great thing, as I always dug NP's harsh desert esthetic something fierce. These North Caroliners build huge, sunbaked pyramids of rock sound using simple but very effective minor key gtr riffs, desperately strangled vocals (Van Christian I tell ya!), and a mighty but tightly controlled rhythm section. Add an Area 51 tone oscillator stolen from Dik Mik's attic, hit the lights, and brother: you've got a major force to be reckoned with here. Simpletons will inevitably called this stoner rock, but U.S. CHRISTMAS take things far beyond mere retro-heavy, particularly with their darkly apocalyptic, Michael Gira-esque lyrics. Smoke too much weed while listening to this, and your ass will come to believe the Grey Aliens have implanted receptors in your head you can't never give back. Raysrealm gave at 10 out of 10; I agree wholeheartedly.

3. NRBQ - Interstellar 10" (Sundazed Music, 2003) - two unreleased 11 min.+ live cuts recorded way back in 1970, documenting early excursions of these then-young men diving headlong into realms otherwise only travelled by SUN RA & HIS INTERGALACTIC ARKESTRA. They do RA's "Rocket #9" and "Next Stop Mars" - both which segue into Terry Adams compositions - in ways only kooky whiteboys who dug R&B, RC Cola, Mad Magazine and professional wrestling could've come up with back then. This performance of "Rocket #9" is the wildest I've yet heard - varying dramatically from the brief, cotton-candied version waxed on their debut LP as well as the more solidly rockin' version on their Ludlow Garage 1970 disc. Had this been NYC and Lou's VELVET UNDERGROUND, nobody would've batted an art school eyelash at such moxie. But hell man - these were hairy/goofy Louisville boys, and they was getting outside for teens in fucking Cincinnati. Nuts! My recent explorations into all things 'Q have been totally rewarding and consistently surprising (I'm now convinced that their uncanny, eclectic pop looseness was a direct inspiration on THE SCENE IS NOW) but this rarely showcased, exploratory jazz side of em really has my jaw on the floor right now.

This may not make sense to you at the moment and you may even think it is a totally off-the-wall idea. Changing the affiliate links does not change your information as to your name and website link. These stay with the article so you still get the recognition.

You will still benefit from the article and may find it even more profitable. Other people will be more willing to publish your article if they can see a benefit to themselves. Allowing this change of affiliate links gives them that incentive.

A situation that is especially beneficial is when you have affiliates helping with your promotion. It also works if you are helping promote another's product and have affiliates under you. They will feel more inclined to use the article and you will benefit by getting increased money from their added sales.

Depending on your ultimate goal from writing the article, it might even help if you allow your affliliates to change even the resource box. They will add their own information there instead.

By allowing affiliates to keep your author name intact but changing all links, including the resource box ones you can still be recognized as the author. This will allow you to be considered the expert on the subject, yet you will benefit from the increased sales of your affiliates. This is a positive option all around.

Big up to Bobby London for coming through with the logo blessing about an hour ago.

Yes, Soundwaves KPFK is runnin' something beautiful, but Color In Flight will be back with Episode 7 this week with that daily blog goodness once again!!

Yes indeedy.....feelin' quite nice, about to eat some fried rice.....

- AB

My Dad always listens to music pre-1980's and has fashion sense like that of an auto-shopping blind and deaf man. I say deaf because he can't heed the warnings from those attempting to prevent him from buying suit jackets with elbow pads.

I just assumed that being a teenager was what it was all about. Then you get a job, stop buying new clothes, your taste in music freezes and you become a boring and conservative (again, not the political kind) grump.

When I was 16, I actually thought that if I didn't make it in a successful rock band within the next few years it was all going to be over. Who wants to see an old guy (i.e. in his 20's) rock out on stage? What a try hard!

I didn't even realise my perception of ageing was so far off until just recently when I wondered when it was time to start wearing v-neck's and throw away the hair dye (not to cover grey of course, that comes later)!

How could I have been so wrong?

I first started guitar lessons when I was about 14. I walked into the music store to meet my teacher, and here stands this guy in his mid-to-late 40's with wild red hair past his shoulders, a goatee and completely wearing black. He was not all that much younger than my own Dad, but had such a youthful spirit.

He taught me all about his favourite kind of music; heavy metal. Here was a man old enough to be my Dad, who was more familiar with cool music than me, a 14 year old boy. Sure he liked his old stuff; Kiss, Led Zeppelin etc., but he knew all about these new bands I had never heard of. He was still into music. His tastes never froze like my Dad's did. Here was some hope, maybe I wouldn't become as boring as I feared.

Why I didn't notice it then, and haven't realised it until now, is kind of sad.

We don't grow up into boring old office slaves unless we let it happen. We simply grow as people.

I'll always be checking out the latest music because it's something I've always been into, and something I always want to be into. I'll never wear plain cotton v-necks because I hate them. I'll never wear vests and I'll never wear plaid pants. I can be the way I want to be until the day I die, and if I become the oldest guy in the nursing home playing the electric guitar to whatever crap is on the radio in the cafeteria then that's awesome.

I'm guessing you already knew this, but for me it's a recent epiphany and kind of sad that I could be so misperceived to begin with. Thankfully I've realised it before I decided that growing man boobs and listening to AM radio was acceptable.

Now excuse me while I get my eyebrow re-pierced.

http://thisdevilsworkday.wordpress.com/

Last year in Edinburgh I paid with my own money to go and see a presentation of the play "Woody Sez" by a touring band of minstrels - the story of Woody Guthries life in the dustbowl of the depression hit USA of the 1930's and having listened to his trials and tribulations and the life of a bum and a loner who walked all over America to earn a crust singing, the play ended with this song "This Land is Your Land", and even though I'm not even a smidgen American (as I am a smidgen Irish for instance), it was a very poignant moment.

In this video Woody's son Arlo sings his dads song and his extended family join him on stage with special focus on the two small girls singing along to one of their great-grandfathers great national anthems.

Musical tastes and personality type are closely related, according to a study of more than 36,000 people from around the world.

The research, which was carried out by Professor Adrian North of Heriot-Watt University, is said to be the largest such study ever undertaken.

What does your musical taste say about you?

BLUES

High self-esteem, creative, outgoing, gentle and at ease

JAZZ

High self-esteem, creative, outgoing and at ease

CLASSICAL MUSIC

High self-esteem, creative, introvert and at ease

RAP

High self-esteem, outgoing

OPERA

High self-esteem, creative, gentle

COUNTRY AND WESTERN

Hardworking, outgoing

REGGAE

High self-esteem, creative, not hardworking, outgoing, gentle and at ease

DANCE

Creative, outgoing, not gentle

INDIE

Low self-esteem, creative, not hard working, not gentle

BOLLYWOOD

Creative, outgoing

ROCK/HEAVY METAL

Low self-esteem, creative, not hard-working, not outgoing, gentle, at ease

CHART POP

High self-esteem, not creative, hardworking, outgoing, gentle, not at ease

SOUL

High self-esteem, creative, outgoing, gentle, at ease

Source: Heriot-Watt University

Source: BBC

“The only way to keep the fire burning is to outrun the wind...”

Brooks and Dunn (yeah, the country duo, you got a problem with that?)

Moribund. That is a word I ran across while listening to some good ol' fashion death metal. It's one of those words you see and you immediately have to find somewhere in a story to insert it because it looks “cool”. And that is exactly what I did. While editing my book I found a scene that just screamed for that word to be used. It fit a helluva lot better than the generic word I had originally used.

I was meandering about the web a few days ago looking for a decent magazine that would be interested in my short stories that all take place in the realm of Morgue. I'll write more about Morgue in a later entry but for simplicity's sake let's just say Morgue is where Clint Eastwood would meet Dante Alighieri and they would share a bottle of whiskey among various fantasy races in a wild-west saloon.

But on with my story, I found a magazine which looked very promising. So promising in fact that I purchased the current issue just from the cover and the website layout. And then I sent a query email to the editor asking them if they would be interested in and I quote this from my exact email “The setting is a medieval-wild west realm and is like a dark fantasy/southern gothic mix...”

The response I got was favorable save for one comment the editor did make. Which I won't mention here because that would be rude. Though I will say this, the editor made the inference “sounds like Firefly” which I noted in response, “noo noo noooo”.

It's more along the lines of the Ravenloft setting from Dungeons and Dragons than anything else I can think of. By the way, if you are a fan of the “Forgotten Realms” book series then by all means you should try the Ravenloft series. They are re-issuing several of the books now with new covers. “Vampires of the Mist” is a fairly good one and I'm usually not a big fan of vampire literature but considering the vampire in question was once an Elf makes it a little more interesting.

.

Anyhow, on to other more “important” topics. For future readers of my blog I would like to explain something. I have and will probably continue posting “Lyric” post with lyrics from various musical artist that I listen to while writing or just as background noise. The lyrics really aren't what is inspirational though. It's the music, the atmosphere the instruments create and how I brainstorm. When I'm thinking of a new scene or whatever I like to have a soundtrack backing up my mental footage. Most of what I listen to is rock'n'roll and various forms of metal.

For example, while writing stories based in Morgue and in the dark fantasy genre I tend to listen to dark ambient, death, doom and symphonic metal. Anything that has a neo-classical atmosphere or something with an evil/sinister overtone usually works well.

I once wrote graphic horror stories to the sounds of Cannibal Corpse (once you can understand what the guy is saying, it can be very horrifying). Considering death and black metal has a lot of references to demons, satanic rituals and purely evil deeds with the atmospheric music to accompany it, it is a prime choice for a soundtrack to writing similar themed stories.

In Morgue, there is a lot of evil, lots of demons and black magic, it's just a nasty place overrun with outlaws! I tend to surround myself with that dark culture so I can write my stories more effectively. And some people will probably start asking “How can you listen to music where the singer is just grunting and you can't even understand him?” Well, I ask a similar question to people who listen to Britney Spears, James Blunt or whoever. All joking aside though, the fact is, if you listen to the music enough you begin to understand what the singer is actually saying. However, if you are not really paying attention to the lyrics, which I rarely do, then all you really hear is the music and the vocals just become another instrument in the chaos. Like I said already, I don't pay much attention to the lyrics. I don't write stories based off the words I heard in a song. I do sometimes base stories off of what words come to mind when listening to the music. Sometimes I just listen to the music and make up my own lyrics. Dark ambient is a good style of music for this because dark ambient rarely has any words and is just dark, dooming music.

When I think of the things I write and the things I WANT to write I always want that gloomy feeling. We have all read way to many stories where the heroes prevail, the guy gets the girl and in the end they live happily ever after. I for one am sick of the happy endings. Real life does not always have a happy ending with the hero riding off into the sunset with his beloved. People die trying to be heroes. Loved ones die before they are rescued. Sometimes the villain needs to triumph or evil needs to win one just to keep the balance. If good always wins then we already know how the story will end right from page one. OH there's an end-of-the-world crisis and there's a handful of could-be heroes already lined up on the survival line. A lot of bad stuff happens, some of the would-be heroes do die but we always know who the main character is and we knew he/she won't die. 300 pages later...oh what a surprise, the main hero lived and the evil was vanquished!

In my stories I always have to make the villains appealing to the reader. I like to make them as cool as the hero so that the reader will be conflicted in who he should root for. I want the villain to have a very possible chance at defeating the hero, going to the length of killing off main characters on his path to wicked victory. In a lot of fiction the author likes to put his main characters on the brink of death or in a state of....moribund! Then at the last possible moment the hero escapes his fate and lives on! When I come to a scene like that in my stories I always ask myself “Why he should this person survive? If he/she dies will it end the story?” If I can answer “No” to the last question then I will probably just give that character the ax! Now see, the villain just won a battle and that makes him even more devious.

But I won't lie, I don't always do that. I mean if I just started chopping all my main characters up then I wouldn't have a cast left to fight against the evil. But I like to put my characters on the chopping block then hack their head off just to show the reader “Yeah, I just totally whacked that character, he's dead and he's not coming back. Will I do it again? Maybe I will....maybe I won't but now you know I have the power to do it...”

Okay so maybe I take analogy of writing fiction as playing God a little too serious. But I say if you got the power to let someone live or die, someone that people care about, then you might as well use that power to the best of your ability. I'm a vengeful god. And it's fun. You can't have MANSLAUGHTER without LAUGHTER right?

I am sure there is an argument out there that says “But (insert author's name) does this exact thing and kills off his characters left and right...” Yes, that's true but in my opinion there aren't enough of them. At least not in the mainstream. But I don't write for mainstream either.

A person recently commented to me on the way I dress after I dressed up for an important meeting, “Get ready because that's what the real world is like...” In which I replied “I don't think the real world is quite ready for me.”

I thought it was funny...

]]> http://th3g1vr.wordpress.com/?p=265 Sat, 06 Sep 2008 06:18:44 +0000 th3g1vr http://th3g1vr.wordpress.com/?p=265 *note this is one of the old posts I actually wrote a long time ago-- just FTR*

*...But as I am writing it now, I've modified it significantly so as to blend better with current thought, and also to incorporate recent concepts when relevant...*

As I explained in Playing the Victim, one of my co-workers was suffering from acute depression, and asked for advice. The solution I gave her was *obviously* to stop "playing the victim", and accept responsibility for her life - thus empowering herself and providing the psychological leverage needed to deal with the other issues, and begin progressing with life again. Although this solution is logically valid, I've become to realize more and more how much truth cannot be logically justified -so, for lack of better feelings, I should  "be more considerate of her feelings"- for lack of better phrasing - So this depression needs to be handled more gradually, using "gentler" methods :P

Due to the ever-constant chaos already eminent in her life, dealing with it logically would be impossible, because logic has already become irrelevant. I assured her that I would see what I could do in finding a [irony alert!] more *reasonable* solution, and fortunately, I think I've found one. Well, from the looks of things the *best* solution is a work-in-progress, but at the very least it's something to work off of. Of course the solution has nothing to do with drugs. I was medicated for several years in the past, and although I definitely had, and *have* the illnesses I was diagnosed with, I found I did far better without them. Come to think of it, the several different medications I was given did little more than sedate me. As far as I can tell, that was about it. Don't ask why, I have know clue :P

As I mentioned in that same post ("Playing the Victim") I was able to deal with my psychological issues best (by an overwhelming margin) without medication; if anything the medication just made things worse. So although I cannot speak for anyone else, From my person experiences I would definitely recommend against the ingestion of psychological drugs of any kind. Treatment is frequently contrasted with "Cure", being only a temporary/partial solution (i.e. to minimize symptoms)- Cures are permanent.

I think the fact that medication only minimizes symptoms is particularly interesting- after all, "Symptoms" are the proof that the body/mind/etc. is fighting against the disease/etc. If the symptoms disappear, that doesn't mean the person is better. In fact, if the disease/etc. still exist despite symptoms, that should be considered a bad thing, since the immune system is essentially being suppressed, allowing the disease freely roam, resulting in far worse [in this case] mental health. Well, that's just speculation on my part, but such an opinion is also implied in "I Never Promised you Roses". In the cases of depression, the "cure" might well be to deal with the problem as described in "Playing the Victim"- however, for now, a temporary solution [*treatment*] should suffice.

Among many-- more minor illnesses, I have Bipolar- previously known as "manic-depressive" disorder. The previous name is much more descriptive, but I guess they're trying to be more politically correct :P I regularly go through cycles- between depressive and more manic states; I maintain a more "normal" demeanor in-between. The upside and downside of Bipolar is the same: the cycles are predictable. That is- I only get depressed or manic "when I'm supposed to"- this makes cycles very predictable, and I can schedule accordingly, since it works like clockwork. But of course, no one likes getting depressed-- well, I'm sure plenty of people like getting manic though :P Then again, I don't ever get anxious (for certain reasons that I'll cover in later posts) so I don't have to deal with that part of the manic cycle...but for whatever its worth, that's the downside.

A while ago I realized that I could completely thwart the depression cycles (although the manic isn't so bad) by making a habit of automatically rejecting the logical validity of all negative thoughts. Although I did not realize it then, I had already been doing such a thing for a few years now. But I have also realized that, in accordance with balance, to disregard any emotion logically, I had to lose my emotions; this is because to logically get rid of emotions, one must believe any previous emotions to never have existed- this is necessary because emotions are the backbone of passion and desire- no decision can follow through without one's emotions backing it.

Getting back to habits though, as I detailed in [insert post], it's possible to force oneself to change the perception of anything you want, even if it is the exact opposite of the original and natural perception. In that experiment, as I was walking in the freezing cold (of last winter, to be exact) I decided to imagine the pain as being pleasure, and concentrated on the cold being a good thing, setting aside all "common sense" in favor of this perception. The result was a bit surprising- by concentrating the pain completely went away- it was very exciting seeing how perceptions can be manipulated this way.

The only thing lacking with this is that one must concentrate to experience the conversion. That's where habits come in. The purpose of habits is to keep of memory of thing that are done often, and usually require a degree of concentration. It is an adaptation that allows us to perform tasks better the more that we do it, because those things we've already concentrated on a lot are stored in our "cache", which frees up our "memory" to focus on the finer details, or other tasks. Although perhaps I'm a bit partial due to my hobbies, I think that the human brain is strikingly similar to the computer- or, even more likely, the other way around.

As a result of these habits, I have not felt depressed for a few years now.

*Note "felt"- "depression can mean more than one thing; "felt" meaning that I have not had any sad or depressing thoughts for a while. In retrospect BTW this is not a good thing- to accomplish this required "unbreacheable" psychological walls to be put up, resulting in an almost completely nonchalant perspective towards everything; the root meaning of depression ("to slow down"/ "fall" / "be undone" /etc) is still true even now- the depression just does not include the emotional components (i.e. sadness/melancholy/etc.)*

There was one brief period a while back (see Self-Awareness post ) but that only last half an hour. I was thrust into a terrible depression, due to not being able to prepare a decent resume (I had no work experience at the time). But, seeing that I needed it to get done, I forcibly moved myself forward, and was able to pull off what had appeared to be impossible, thus effectively ending that "episode". Recalling this incident has also played a key role in determining another, more "reasonable" solution to my coworker's problem.

All of "today" (*see top*), as expected, I experienced the usual wave of depression. Well, I say depressed, but (as explained above) the only symptom I still experience is a complete lack of motivation to do anything productive. On these days I might normally do nothing but watch anime- and in WCS even lack the motivation to play games. But even when I have such days, going to work is not a problem. Actually, on these days going to work is actually more of a vacation, anyway. Much of the reason for this is explained in Opportunity- that is, working each day with the awareness that half my pay is not in the salary, but in the opportunity to work. As I've discovered over time, the reason why working can be so fulfilling- is because of expectations- knowing that our coworkers and supervisors expect us to do the job well, and fullfilling those expectations, fills us with a wonderful sense of pride. The way I see it, this is "running away from ourselves"- here's why:

Who we are- that which we perceive ourselves to be, and also who and that which we perceive others to be, is dependent on memory, which also means that we can only see ourselves and other people as we were in the past. That is because we are contantly changing and growing, clarifying and building upon who we are every second, although the changes may not be noticed for years. Because of that, the person we perceive ourselves to be, is actually the past, and is not entirely accurate. The irony (and amusement) of this, is that we are able to change in the first place for this same reason. See, to move forward and grow, we must leave our past behind us, which I believe is a necessity due to balance. Interestingly enough, it is also a central theme for reincarnation. So "running away" from ourself in essence means "leaving behind the past" to move towards a better future. So perhaps a more optimistic phrasing would be "running to" (although that would totally kill the visual)

Since I am a restless individual, lacking in patience (although I have aquired a significant patience these past few months, in recognition of the need) I first dealt with my lack of motivation by being confrontational (i.e. a complete ass) with my roommates. Thinking about it now, that initial approach is strikingly similar to Linkin Park's song "Breaking the Habit". From what I can tell, this journey I'm going through has an extremely close likeness that the journey that Linkin Park depicts in their music, so I often listen to the words of their songs for guidance. As the contributers (of that song) in Linkin Park did though, I realized that there were better ways of dealing with it, that I needed to 'break the habit'.

So I started settling down, and played games with them instead. Here I realized another way of self-treating depression. Summing it all up, a person's psychological health is primarily dependent on one factor- pride. This is why it's important to not play the victim- depression is caused by insecurity. The opposite of insecurity is self-control. Taking control of a situation is an active way of alleviating insecurity (and thus depression), but it's likely that in most cases of depression, the person's state-of-mind renders them incapable of taking the initiative- thus a passive response is necessary. By playing games with my roommates that I knew I would win, and by following through with that expectation, I am able to alleviate my insecurity in a passive manner. That is, it required no initiative, because they already wanted to play- I only had to say "yes". Thus, one of the best ways to alleviate depression passively, without initiative, is to put oneself in an environment where we will succeed, and have the expectations of others to drive and support that success.

With both the resume incident and the days that I played games to relieve depression, the key factor is power. In one way or another, empowering oneself plays a vital role in allowing us to move on. To put in another way, the most efficient way to get over depression is to "pet your ego" by showing off your strengths to others. Pride is, after all, one of our greatest needs as humans, making this a reliable "quick fix" for depression

Johnnie, who was born John Allan Guillot and is the offspring of Louisiana Cajun parents, has been a fixture on the regional music scene for many years. During his long career he's performed just about every kind of music popular to the area, and along the way has become known as the 'King of Swamp-Pop'.

This collection of 22 tracks offers up a sampling of Johnnie's singing style through the years, with examples from every era of his colorful career. It also includes a variety of sounds that show his comfort with all kinds of material, as he crosses genres with ease. Examples range from the slow and bluesy "Come Sundown" to the rousing, rockabilly-styled "Lonely Weekend," which was probably my favorite on the album.

He's also never been afraid to tackle songs that might be more familiar to listeners from other sources, such as the exotic "Isle Of Capri," or "Before The Next Teardrop Falls," a number-one hit for Freddy Fender. Johnnie does a good job with both pieces, although his strength is still with songs that echo he strong swamp-pop roots. He's at his best with regional standards such as his own composition, "Wanting To Get Over You."

A lively collection of feel-good music from the bayou -- and something that just might be what's needed about now, when folks need a little something to forget their troubles.

Amazon

OUVIR ONLINE NAS LOJAS CD BALADAS 2008:
VEJA A LISTA DAS MÚSICAS, AS CAPAS...
E O MENOR PREÇO DESTE CD AQUI!

CD baixar mp3 coletânea de música eletrônica Baladas 2008

A visual aid to understand Kenai's state of mind Friday night...

Wow, just when I thought I had Kenai’s excited-dominant behavior waning…Friday night we had 3 distinct bouts in one hour of wild, complete with grabbing my arm in his mouth when I corrected him, and trying to smash me on the couch. The vet scale says he's coming in at 119 pounds now. Too big for that.

The day began very well, having a really good run outside in the cool air, but that’s not where it wound up. By 9 pm I had a frustrated bull elephant pinned on the couch and held there until it withered his dangles. Then I took his still squirelly bum up to bed.

In between morning and night was where it all went wrong. I guess days always go wrong then. Our slide to infamy started at 10 am. We had a big day with lots of things that had to be done before my niece was supposed to come that evening. I could tell from the start my nap was in jeopardy.

Kenai was all mellow from his morning run, and I decided to finally give my room a quickie clean. It smelled, the carpet was toffee colored from his toffee tush, and my socks kept picking up bone bits. Time to clean. Mom was just about headed off to the store to restock the now working fridge when who should appear without any warning but my niece.

Now that my brother has twice been told NO WEEKDAYS, it hit the fan. Mom let him have it, she met his ex and Emily on the porch with less anger but definite displeasure, and then she left before she threw them all out permanently. You would think he'd have some idea how thin the ice is.

Once Mike had gone to the basement with Em, I went ahead with my plans despite BB’s howling from the living room. Suddenly crappy mood or not, even Mike wouldn’t have the temerity to pop up and yell at BB for barking while I cleaned upstairs. Not after that butt chewing from Captain Weaver.

I admit to being pretty impressed with how calm I remained, and how downright peaceful the boys were while I was with them. I did more housework than I should have, trying to reduce the load on frazzled Mom. That in turn reduces the frazzling of BB, who can come apart like an old t-shirt.

There was alot of walking and hauling salvaged frozen good back in from the garage, interspersed with getting some knitting done while playing some relaxation music…that quiet morning was so pleasant. Gotta love the power of music! It didn’t last.

Brown wound up being returned to the car for the first time in 2 months. He wasn’t doing too well, but not too bad, either. What did surprise me, and set off some alarms, was his big discomfort was about a table of men with a young child. Uh-oh.

But we were holding our 4 pack together in relative steadiness, I thought, as the day went on. There were signs of stress, but a little fun and play would take care of it. I wondered if we should give the boys another run a piece. But it seemed like we were okay, ya know?

Then Mike and his growing bad mood came up at 7:30 pm with Emily and her cranky one since I hadn’t made dinner. The thought of food made me queasy, so cooking wasn’t going to happen. BB got more jumpy. Kenai started winding up, but I’d had success all week at bringing him down from excited behavior.

Sometimes Kenai stays calm, even enjoying neck scratches and hugs from Mike, but the crappier he gets, the more out of control Kenai gets. The boys want to like him, yet they don’t really trust him. I guess Kenai'd had his fill--BB in a heightened state, a frustrating bunch of outings...

Anyway, both boys just escalated from then on. In one sudden outburst, Kenai let it all hang out and didn’t put it away until we went upstairs at 9 pm. I get him on his own, he starts winding down. There were a couple bouts of chaotic running from bed to couch, but he was chillin.

Tank slowed down and gentled down, eventually wanting to play a little hesitantly. I wanted him to relax, so I popped on a relaxation CD and he lay down to sleep it off. I stayed up, waking him around midnight for some attention and an offer to play.

Not in the mood, even for his beloved yellow ducky. Guess I should have played when he offered. Sometimes I wonder if I'm missing opportunities to reconnect with him before he feels insecure and withdraws. I let him rest awhile longer, then shared some of my crackers with him.

It’s no wonder Kenai has been schizophrenic in his puppy development. He’s lived here for 25 weeks, and only 3 of them without the unstable presence of my brother. It will make me sick if Kenai’s 22 weeks of stress has changed him long-term. He was such a happy little good toddles, then it all went to hell.

How angry I could be at Mom’s blind foolishness about Mike and his ways—I knew this would happen, Mike’s ex knew this would happen, lots of people did…he’s a damaged person who inflicts damage without any clue of that. Yet she didn’t believe any of us, nor cut all this crisis short before so much long term harm was done. She had to learn the lesson, but we paid the price.

I guess that's how it is on this earth, and Mom's paid for some of my lessons. Maybe we ingrain expectations of fairness a little too much in our kids--makes it harder to accept the unfair dynamics of life. Teach them to be fair to others, but don't assume it will be returned.

♦

Kenai was unusually muted during this past week’s rain. I think he gets the rainy blahs, myself. That or the cooler temps trigger some need to hibernate—he slept through most of Wednesday with barely picking up his head. The pale grizzly bear snoozed and snored, getting up only to eat, then back to the pillow, since a run outside wasn’t going to happen. Silly boy.

Maybe he just knows we don’t do much of anything outside when it rains unless we have to. Maybe he was just saving up for Friday night. Who knows? But it sure is starting to feel like autumn here, though it’s early. The nighttime temps drop into the 50’s more often, and some of the leaves are changing color. I don’t mind!

This sort of weather is so much better for sleeping, and I get to put a cover over my sheets to be comfortable. If I didn’t have to keep Kenai from getting cold at night, I’d leave the windows open some all winter too. I’m one of those people who love to pile on the quilts, and use a heated blanket.

This fall, I intensely hope to be out of doors a lot, getting yard work done. Thanks be to the exhaustive cycle my brother has forced us into, my front yard is almost gone again. The flowerbeds are badly overgrown with weeds, which will leave little generations-to-be for me to fight all next year.

Two of the flowerbeds Mike mowed and killed everything except the weeds. We can’t afford to replace the rhodies, but I’ll start my replacement perennials from seed over the winter as I did their predecessors. I'm getting tired of starting over because of someone else's thoughtlessness.

What I need is a captured warrior from another tribe to shred the leaves, chainsaw the fallen trees, and spread several loads of mulch. That’s just the front yard… I will have a veggie garden not one day past April 1st!! Having my hands in soil is as needful to me as having tall grass to run in is to Kenai: primeval and nourishing.

Maybe I should capture two warriors from another tribe, one for the front and one for the back. Oh, wait. I have two of ‘em! Nah, BB would just carry my tools around, and Kenai would dismantle my neat piles of branches to chip for mulch. Guess I’m on my own, unless I can hitch Beebs up to a plow—he pulls like an ox on leash, so it wouldn’t be a stretch!

And Kenai will supervise. He’s the watching sort of fellow, standing guard while I muck about. Unless the pile of leaves is too tempting or it gobbles his ball. Then he can demolish an hour’s work in 5 seconds. I can see it now: kaaa-POUNCE, root, root, root, goober-run. Uhhh. I think I’ll just let him take sentry duty, and not help.

Kenai’s happiest outside. He’s very much an ancestral sort of dog. The instincts to catch a scent and follow it are very strong, and he is a different “person” out of doors. You can almost feel some primal switch turn on when he hits the field, and it seems to throw the circuit breaker put in with obedience practice.

Our ‘you can’t find me’ games are a hunting game of sorts, and interest him far more than recall. Even our outings through human places have a scouting party feel to them at times, seeing what he can see, smelling what he can smell as if he’s on a mission.

It’s like some relic of a distant epoch stirs in him when the grass is taller than his hocks. The beckoning of the wild has grown too faint through time to be recognized for what it is, but still potent enough to fully absorb his brain in the smells and sounds of the natural world.  We left the natural world long ago, but I don’t think our dogs have left it as entirely as we did. I know Kenai hasn’t.

His need to be outside is far more than entertainment, or a change of scenery. It has the significance of a necesity. Deny it to him and he is restless, disappointed with indoor games. Deny it to him long enough and he first becomes scattered then unruly, then depressed.

I learned that last spring when it rained almost continuously. He becomes housebound fast. Allow him a couple times a day outdoors and he will return to the confines of walls without complaint, and be satisfied to wait for the next time he gets to run.